Self-Empowerment Daily with Al Duncan

"You are guaranteed to win once you defeat the enenmy within because... It's ALL Mental!"  -- Al Duncan: The Millennial Mentor™

Here's something to help you out with your new year's resolutions or any goal:

• According to research, you are 80x’s more likely to achieve your goals if they are written down. Put it in writing.

“Life is a short walk. There is so little time and so much living to achieve.”  -John Oliver Killens

Whether it’s quality time, playtime, game time, family time, me-time, real time, study time, daytime, nighttime, wrong time, or the right time, one thing is for sure- sometimes it seems as if life is all about time, doesn’t it?

Time is a state of mind. Don’t believe me? Of course you do. You know the truism ‘time flies when you’re having fun’. And you know that the last 15 minutes before you get off work can seem like 15 hours.

You also know the old adage- treat everyday as if it were your last. Sage advice indeed, but for most people this is a lofty and unsustainable state of mind.

There are a few principles, however, within reach that can help you to ‘use your time wisely’. (Okay, I promise- no more over-used clichés about time.) 

What we’re going to talk about has nothing to do with time management in the popular sense. This is all about your perception of time. The way you treat and think about time.

Most people are always trying to find time. But the thing is- it’s impossible to find time. It doesn’t work that way.

You can find your keys. You can walk down the street and find some money. But you can’t walk down the street and find an hour. You don’t go to the lost and found when you’ve lost precious time.

You do not find time; you make time.

One day I was sitting in front of my computer completely engrossed in my work. Suddenly, I was snapped back into reality as Renee, my wife, walked into the room.

She playfully asked, “What about me?”

“Huh? What do you mean- what about me?”

“I would like some quality time.”

Five minutes later, feeling slightly ambivalent, I pried myself away from my work to fulfill Renee’s request.

So what was the result? A great evening and now we’re expecting our first child!

Million Dollar Question: Did I try to find time for her?

No. I made time for her. There is always:

• Another speech or talk to give.
• Another article to write.
• Another client to coach.

And on the less productive side- there is always:

• Another TV show to watch.
• Another movie to watch.
• Another nap to take or sleep to catch up on.

So with all of your priorities and things to that “need“ to be done, how do you make time? One word-

Sacrifice.

People love Gray’s Anatomy and missing an episode would be blasphemous! A workaholic, like me, giving up work time- sacrilegious!

Well, ten years from now the fact that you missed an episode, or two, of your favorite TV show won’t have any effect on your life. Neither will sacrificing a little bit of work time for family time. (No- watching TV when you should be working doesn’t count as sacrificing.)

How about the marriage saving time you could’ve spent with your spouse?

How about the book you could’ve finished, the networking event you could’ve gone to, or the part-time business you could’ve started?

What about the life changing conversation you could’ve had with your child?

Make time.

Make time for the people you care about. Make time for your hopes, dreams, and aspirations.

“But I just couldn’t find the time.”

What a pitiful excuse. I know you’re better than that otherwise you wouldn’t have made the time to read this article.

Sacrifice and enjoy the rewards. 

One of the most popular movies of all time is Walt Disney’s Beauty and the Beast. The Beast, who used to be a prince or something of that sort, had great difficulty in controlling his manners and his anger.

 Although there was a charming gentleman inside of him who knew the right way to behave, Beast often felt powerless and believed that there was little he could do in regards to his behavior. After all, he was a beast, right?

Eh…not quite.

Many people have a similar problem. They think things like-

“Well, that’s just how I am” or “What problem? I don’t have a problem.”

Why do people do this? Because it’s easier to make excuses about behavior than it is to change behavior. Think about that.

Taming the Beast is no joke. Therefore, before we talk about these 9 keys for mastering your anger, here are a several things you should know:

a) It’s not always the anger that’s the problem; it’s the behavior that accompanies the anger.

Suppression and over expression of anger are two different roads leading to the same destination. Complete suppression can destroy relationships, lead to bad health, and ruin outcomes in similar fashion to over expressing anger.

b) If you have serious anger issues then some of these keys may be difficult to use on your own. If so, you may need to see a coach or a therapist.

c) If you’re reading this with the intention of helping out a child or adolescent, it’ll be helpful if you read Young and Angry, which will be posted soon.

The starting point for mastering your anger is the same starting point for bringing about many types of change. It begins with…              

1. Awareness and acknowledgement

You probably already know that when a person has an addiction or behavioral problem, getting them to acknowledge the problem can be challenging.

Awareness is the foundation of self-empowerment. If a person wants to tame the beast, he must acknowledge that his anger management is something that needs to be addressed.

Recently, I was talking to Chef Tim, a good friend of mine, and he reminded me of a catchy phrase from G.I. Joe: “Knowing is half the battle.”

So, if you are reading this article in order to deal with your own anger issues then kudos to you; you’re half way there.

On the other hand, perhaps you are reading this article with the intention of helping someone else- someone who isn’t aware that his anger needs to be tamed. If so, then it’s a good idea to send him a copy of Blind Spots, an article about developing self-awareness, Emotions and Your Health: Anger or both.

So, what are some telltale signs of an anger problem?

According to a study published by Kassinove, R. Chip Tafrate, PhD, and L. Dundin in the Journal of Clinical Psychology (Vol. 58, No. 12), individuals with high trait anger tend to report more physical aggression, negative verbal responses, drug use, and negative consequences of their anger. They have anger reactions that are more intense, enduring, and occur more frequently.

As I travel around the country speaking and coaching there is a constant question that continuously comes up.

“What’s wrong with these young people today?”

That question drives me nuts. I frequently respond, “The same thing that’s wrong with the adults is the same thing that’s wrong with the students: detrimental values.”

Think about it.  This is all about exposure and students are the spitting image of the adult values they are exposed to the most.

You might be thinking

• “Hey, I don’t wear my pants hanging off of my butt.”
• “My hair isn’t pink and green.”
• “My clothes aren’t so tight that it looks like I painted them on me.”

True, but…

Kids don’t own the movie theaters, TV stations, clothing companies, or radio stations.  They don’t produce and distribute the DVD’s, CD’s, and MP3’s.

So while you’re getting angry and frustrated with the kids, remember the adults. They are the ones who put the value on the products they produce.

One day when I was speaking at a community center I saw a guy fussing at some teenagers about how they were dressed.

“Y’all need to pull your pants up. And y’all young girls got clothes that’s way too tight.”

The guy had on an old, oily baseball cap turned to the back.  He was wearing an off-yellow, grayish tank top that used to be white.  And there were so many peas in his beard that he could’ve opened a supermarket! (Translation: His beard was unkempt).

Uh…hello. What’s wrong with this picture?    

That’s no different than someone with a $20,000 home theater in his or her house, no home library, and yet he or she has the nerve to be pissed off because his or her kids don’t read and study enough.

We live in a society where it’s more important for most adults to have a home entertainment center than it is to have a bookcase.  Now that is pitiful.

But you know what? I’m through ranting for today. Here’s the bottom line-

Empowerment begins and ends with adult values.

So the question isn’t “What’s wrong with these young people today?” The question is- “What’s wrong with adult values today?”

Many moons ago, do you remember people asking you “What do you want to be when you grow up?”

Do you remember how easily and confidently you would respond?  Most people would answer that question eagerly and they would say whatever came to mind.

Doubts and limitations were non-existent.  You knew that you could do anything you wanted to do, didn’t you? You didn’t need anybody’s approval or permission.

You knew you could cause things to happen by taking action. Psychologist Richard DeCharms called this phenomenon personal causation.

Personal causation is the initiation of behavior intended to produce a change in an individual’s environment.

After a certain age practically everyone begins to lose his or her sense of personal causation. In other words our sense of self-efficacy is undermined. Undermined by what?

Statements such as,

·        This is too hard

·        This cost too much

·        I’m not good enough

·        They don’t want me to succeed anyway

·        If only I had as much money as so and so

·        I don’t have that kind of luck

·        I don’t have the right looks

·        Don’t quit your day job

·        Just be grateful that you have a job at all

·        This is too good to be true

·        ect., ect., ect…

Statements like those are the roots of a “lack” mentality and a poverty consciousness.

Million Dollar Question: This is too good to be true? No it’s not. It’s happening to the right person- YOU.

It’s a lack mentality and a poverty consciousness that leave many people standing there knocking on the door waiting for some one to answer and open it for them.

Sooner or later someone bold, uninhibited, and assertive comes along and stands in front of the same door. But instead of only knocking, he or she reaches for the doorknob, turns it, and walks in.

The door closes behind him or her and the people that are standing there start knocking again.  They talk and complain amongst themselves about how some people get all the breaks.

They ask ridiculous questions like, “How come he’s so lucky?” or “I wonder who she knows. Who gave her permission to go in?” 

These people never realize that you don’t need permission you need initiative. You don’t get a break; you create breaks.

To be self-empowered is to be responsible. 

Be responsible for your actions. 

Be responsible for your finances. 

Be responsible for your well-being and your future.

Emotions are arguably the most powerful force governing our behavior. Emotions are the guardians of your well-being. They are your friends and their primary objective is to ensure survival.

However there is an old adage that rings true when it comes to emotions. “With friends like these, who needs enemies?”

It is a scientific fact that if left untamed, our basic emotions (anger, joy, disgust, surprise, distress, and fear) would cause you to kill first and ask questions later. Or run first and ask questions later.

On an equally detrimental, but sometimes lighter note, emotions will have you shouting, crying, or jumping to conclusions first and asking questions later. Believe it or not all of this is done in the name of survival.

In the heat of the moment your body initially responds to a psychological attack (i.e. insults) in the same manner it would a physical threat. Think about that.

If emotions are supposed to be our friends, then why do they frequently leave us in a barrel of trouble? The answer is simple.

We are designed for survival, not diplomacy.

The emotional brain, also known as the limbic system, was rolling along for millions and millions of years doing what it does best: keeping us out of harms way. Then along comes the neocortex, the logical brain, to complicate things.

Now a person knows that if he or she can’t do physical harm, an insulting remark will often do the trick. Although it’s not a physical attack, your emotional brain still recognizes the bad intentions and responds accordingly.

If you aren’t careful, all of a sudden your friends could become your enemies. It takes 3-5 seconds for the chemicals that produce emotions to flood your system producing what is often referred to as an emotional hijacking.

In a life and death situation that calls for immediate action and there is little time for thinking, an emotional hijacking might save your life. 

But at the office an emotional hijacking might cost you your job. In a negotiation it might cost you the deal. In an argument it might cost you a relationship.

Therefore the age-old advice about counting to ten before you respond has an equal amount of science and common sense behind it.  It gives you a chance to use your logical brain.

So when you feel a tidal wave of emotions flooding your system, hit the pause button and access your neocortex. Joshua Freeman, a leading expert on developing Emotional Intelligence, calls it the “six second pause.”

I’ve found that, for me it’s even better to take the four extra seconds and go for the full ten count just to be sure.  Because it can be so costly, impulsive behavior is nothing to play with.

When I was growing up my mom used to always say to me, “Al, don’t let your friends get you in trouble.”